John ESENE

The concept of marriage was born out of man’s loneliness, which God in His wisdom decided to overwhelm with the evidence of abundant living. According to William Ward, there are three keys to more abundant living: Caring about others, daring for others, and sharing with others. When you exhibit the aforementioned virtues (in your dealings) with others, you will leave them better than you find them because you have encouraged them to improve the quality of their lives.

No one would remember the Good Samaritan if not for his good deed: a caring attitude. The spirit of daring for others compels us to sacrifice our pride for others we love rather than sacrifice then for our pride. In sharing, what we give up makes us rich and not what we take. These three virtues: caring, daring and sharing are bonded with intimacy like a key holder. Victor Huge says, “The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved-loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves.”

The word “Intimacy” has to be found in a marriage if it will stand the test of time. Before you aspire to marry, there should be an element of intimacy between two of you which with time has to grow until it explodes such that no threat of any sort can endanger your marriage successfully.

In intimacy, the spirit of giving and sharing between two persons must be evident continuously. Yes! As the sky and the earth share and sustain each other, the husband and wife must be willing to sustain each other come rain or sunshine. Where this is possible, you hardly hear expressions such as “bread winner” or “the head of the family” even though they exist.

In each spouse, there should be a reservoir of power to see and the willingness to fulfill the true needs of each other. In this way, no one will be lagging behind as this act or practice spur both spouses to  dispel the fears and worries which naturally threaten to end the continuity and growth towards a blissful marriage. Right from courtship period, both lovers should notice this strong element in each other before ascending to the altar; otherwise, the risk might be too great a game of 50:50. In fact, you can call it a suicide attempt; a journey to no particular destination!

Experience has shown that couples lacking intimacy (in most cases) experience unnecessary arguments, war of words, avoiding each other, constant fighting, reporting each other to neighbors and friends. Children from such homes are not likely to experience positive formation and good parental care. They may end up being a problem to the society much later. God may hold us responsible for their misfortune, if they do. This is one of the reasons why parents should try to endure the intricacies of marriage.

Dr. Hyginus Ekuazi, Head of Department, Theatre Arts, University of Ibadan, once described marriage in the words of Charles Dickson in Tales of Two Cities: “Best of times; worst of times.” He went further to say, “Everything about marriage is designed to make it fail: two people from different backgrounds coming together, to succeed is a miracle and God-ordained.” He described it as Abakaliki rice, which is fantastic if only you are patient enough to pick the stones. With the stress, patching up and the likes, the sanctity of marriage is what actually keeps it going.”

Real intimacy can be described as game-free relationship where goals and aims are not superior to the relationship and nobody is trying to get something or anything for personal gain. It is a team spirit affair where no one aims to be seen as the highest goal scorer but put his or her best for team success.  Fear of failure is not entertained. Break up and divorce are not envisaged. Everyone puts on the horse power of a warlord to fight possible intruders or temptations of failure.

Providing resources for the growth and development of the other person becomes your daily goal and objective which must be meant. This is probably the reason why a set of rings are blessed and shared among couples during wedding.

Intimacy between two persons dictates that they see themselves as they truly are. The precondition for friendship is openness to being loved and to loving. This is made possible because of the absence of fear. We all know that openness exposes us to constant wounds from other people, but such wounds heal fast because we sustain them for those we love. When principles of intimacy are religiously adhere to by both spouses, they end up being models to the society. On the other hand, if one party slacks or veers off the runway of the marriage life, the resultant effect will be disastrous: either they stay together as strangers or call for divorce. Divorce is the worst known killer disease which must not greet our marriage door steps.

St Paul in his letter to the Ephesians 5:21-23, 25, 28, 31-33  tells it all: “Submit yourselves to one another because of your reverence for Christ. Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband has authority over his wife just as Christ has authority over the Church; and Christ is Himself the Savior of the Church, His body. Husbands love your wives just as Christ loved the Church and gave His life for it. Men ought to love their wives just as they love their own bodies. A man who loves his wife loves himself. As the scripture says, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and unite with his wife, and the two will become one.” There is a deep secret truth revealed in this scripture, which I understand as applying to Christ and the Church. But it also applies to you: Every husband must love his wife as himself, and every wife must respect her husband.”